Defining Femininity: Part II

In yesterday's post, we determined that it is practically impossible to nail-down a set of characteristics that perfectly describe femininity. We'll ask our fellow philosophers for help with this one. Philosophers define slippery things that are difficult to pin-point in terms of family resemblance. Essentially, "family resemblances are a list of common but not required characteristics." Defining abstract terms like "femininity" using family resemblances allows for the inclusion of all women without requiring their total conformity to every single defining characteristic. For example, my family is known for our wide thick eyebrows. However, my mom has thin eyebrows. The fact that she doesn't have the same eyebrows as my dad, brother, and I, does not make her any less part of the family. She is still equally part of the family, but simply doesn't share 100% of the characteristics. She isn't required to paint her eyebrows thicker to "fit" into our family, she already is wholly part of the family. 

The same concept can be applied to femininity. There are characteristics that are overwhelmingly feminine. "These qualities, as gifts from God, may come more easily to us. There are not things we should have to try to do as much as they will be part of who we are." 

So, what are they? From Jonalyn Fincher's Ruby Slippers:

Female body: a soul interwoven into a female body.

Vulnerability: in body and soul.

Interdependence: identity emerges from intimacy.

Sensitive awareness: soul radar for others and ourselves

Emotional intelligence: experience in management of intense emotions.

Cultivation: ability to tend to others, ourselves, and the world.  

The characteristics listed are family resemblances of ways many women are, not the ways all women ought to be. Perhaps you identify with all six characteristics or maybe with only two. That's okay. Only the first characteristic is essential to being a woman. No one is more or less feminine because they don't identify with one or the other, or if they identify with all. 

I've read several books on femininity, and none have given me the freedom to be RUBI without ascribing to a set of "feminine" qualities and roles. I've read the whole Leslie Ludy set of books on set-apart femininity, and I enjoyed them, a lot! While there is much truth in them, there is still something constraining about keeping a specific model of femininity in your mind and forcing yourself to perfect the art of femininity, as if it was an art. Femininity is God-given and innate, and does not conform to a set of rules. That is freeing in so many ways. It's not about an "act" I aim to perfect, but about who I am as a woman created by God. 

God has called me, and you, to a space of freedom where His design for femininity is manifested in the life of every female creation in diverse ways. We are unique in our thoughts, our emotions, our personalities, our passions, our callings, and all of that, is completely okay and a virtue of God's creative work among His created beings. We were all designed to bear the image of a living God; how we do that will be unique to each woman, but the divine purpose remains the same. I thank the Lord for his creative work within me and within everyone of my fellow sisters in Christ. You are all so special and intricately designed for heavenly purposes. Don't ever forget that! Embrace the way God knit you together and ask Him to continually shape you for higher purposes. 

With all my love, 

Linking up with: I love my post!

Defining Femininity: Part I

As I was reading Ruby Slippers last night, I stumbled upon a beautiful reality--the uniqueness of every human being, the creative work of the Creator God, and the impossible task of assigning permanent labels or characteristics to men and women when we are so incredibley diverse. 

When trying to pin-point and and nail-down the definition of femininity, we find there is no cookie-cutter definition that encompasses ALL women. It may describe a select some, but not all. As Jonalyn Fincher writes, "I don't want to take a lovely picture of womanhood and scribble one code (like emotional or helper) all over it. I trust God to be more creative than that." 

We read in Psalm 139: 13-16, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." 

This verse alone implies that the Creator delicately constructs our personhood in our mother's womb in a way that is individualistic and creative. He "knit" me together; I was "woven together"; I was "fearfully and wonderfully made" by God. I think it's so interesting to see that God, often portrayed as the epitome of masculinity, knits and weaves, skills usually attributed to women. God, and by extension, Jesus, displays "female" qualities and "male" qualities. We know Jesus wept, even when men are told they should not show emotion. We know Jesus made himself vulnerable, even unto death, when men are told to be strong and defensive. Do you see how defining femininity and masculinity without reducing women and men to permanent characteristics that constrain God's creative work, is impossible? 

Eugene Peterson writes, "God's creative genius is endless. He never, fatigued and unable to maintain the rigors of creativity, resorts to mass-producing copies. Each life is a fresh canvas on which he uses lines and colors, shades and lights, textures and proportions that he has never used before."  

An absolute list of "feminine" characteristics cannot define femininity wholly, but certainly, there are qualities that set us apart from men. We are different, I get that. More on that tomorrow. 

How do you define "femininity"? Do you ever feel the need to "fit" a pre-conceived notion of  femininity that you feel uncomfortable with? 

Victoria's Secret: Thoughts

I cannot tell you how many comments I came across from women feeling a whole array of unhealthy emotions after the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show aired Tuesday night. Just a few heartbreaking tweets from that night:

Can't wait to watch the #VictoriaSecretFashionShow so I can feel guilty for the 5 Chick'n less nuggets I just had for dinner.

Finally watched the #victoriasecretfashionshow and as guys boners go up so do girls suicidal rate #hatelife

#VictoriaSecretFashionShow : destroying girls self esteem since '95

When I come to school with a brown paper bag over my face you'll know why #victoriasecretfashionshow

i can't even watch the #VictoriaSecretFashionShow because i know it'll make my self esteem go dangerously low

Regular people must feel ugly when they see Cheerleading on TV. Well tonight cheerleaders actually feel ugly#VictoriaSecretFashionShow

Eating McDonalds because it's probably the last time I'll ever want to see food after tonight #VictoriaSecretFashionShow

well…today's the day all women hate themselves.#VictoriaSecretFashionShow

happy national insecurity day ! #victoriasecretfashionshow

Yup. I'm going to sit and watch the #VictoriaSecretFashionShowtonight with a tub of ice cream and a bucket of tears.

Today is the day I question my sexuality & whether or not I will ever eat again #VictoriaSecretFashionShow

This may be a generalization, but based on my observations, when women check out other women that look like this ^ they create an image in their minds of what a woman should look like. Then, this awful thing happens called comparison. And if you happen to not look like one of them ^ then you are not enough. What walking the runway in lingerie is teaching women is that your body=your worth. But not only that. It objectifies women and reduces them to an object of sex. Women exist for the pleasure of men, that's what they tell us. 

Boy have I got news for you! You are more than a body, you are more than your bra size, you are more than the size of your bottom or the type of undergarments you wear. You are more than the color of your skin or the flatness of your tummy, you are more than your height, your waist size, and the length of your legs. You are an image bearer of God. Please, do not reduce your worth to what you see in the mirror. Women like that ^ are the minority. Yes, they're beautiful, but so are you, just the way you are. Believe it. Internalize it. And live in the freedom that you are worth so much more than what the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show wants you to think. 

With Love,

Created To Be His Ezer

Photography by Speedy Productions & Vintage Rental by MiVintage

*Disclaimer: I don't profess to know everything about the Bible or fully understand all of what scripture has to say. I'm daily evolving into what God desire of me and daily seeking to know Him more. I know this is a touchy subject so please don't take anything personal, I only want to start a conversation and grow in the knowledge of His truth.

 

Genesis 2:18 shows the awesome moment when God realized it was not good for man to be alone. It reads, "The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." The word "helper" was translated from the Hebrew word ezer. This Hebrew word ezer means "strength" and "power" in the original language. It is derived from two roots: `-z-r, meaning "to rescue, to save," and g-z-r, meaning "to be strong." With that being said, could we conclude that a more accurate translation of Genesis 2:18 is, "I will make a power [or strength] corresponding to man." God created for man a woman "fully his equal and fully his match. In this way, the man's loneliness will be assuaged." How did God form Eve? Not from his head that she may rule over him, not from his feet that she may be a slave to him, but from his rib, that she may be his equal. See this article for a more lengthy analysis the word ezer.

The word ezer is used multiple times in scripture. The following is an excerpt from Jonalyn Fincher's  Ruby Slippers. This books has been speaking truth to me since I started reading it.

"If ezer is limiting, then God has limited us. If ezer is not limiting, then God has called us to an open, free, deep, and wide place." 

Ezer means deliverer, as in "The God of my father was my ezer, and delivered me from the sword of Pharaoh." Exodus 18:4

Ezer means warrior: "Hear, O Lord, the voice of Judah, And bring him to his people. With his hands he contended for them, And may You be an ezer against his adversaries." Deuteronomy 33:7

Ezer means protection: "Blessed are you, O Israel; Who is like you, a people saved by the Lord, Who is the shield of your ezer And the sword of your majesty! So your enemies shall cringe before you, And you will tread upon their high places." Deuteronomy 33:29

Ezer means support: "May He send you ezer from the sanctuary and support you from Zion!" Psalm 20:2

Ezer delivers the afflicted and needy: "But I am afflicted and needy; Hasten to me, O God! Thou are my ezer and my deliverer, O Lord, do not delay." Psalm 70:5

Ezer means a shield: "You who fear the Lord, trust in the Lord; He is their ezer and their shield." Psalm 115:11

Ezer is capable, vibrant help better than strong mountains: "I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my ezer come? My ezer comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth." Psalm 121:2

Ezer gives hope: "How blessed is he whose ezer is the God of Jacob, Whose hope is in the Lord his God." Psalm 146:5

How's that for a side margin comment on Genesis 2? God's Word is so rich!

If ezer signifies so much more than "helper" what does this say about the role of a woman in marriage? Does this mean that woman is also man's deliverer, warrior, protector, supporter, shield, a giver of hope and comforter of the afflicted, and of course, a vibrant help? Does it limit her role, or amplify it? I've seen several websites limit the role of a woman to a "helpmeet." Books have been written about the subject and many women have taken this "helpmeet" translation and argued that a woman must seek to compliment her husband, adapt to his needs, and seek ways to be his helper at all times while being a "keeper of the home." You know, untying his shoes, serving his breakfast, making him lunch, keeping the home clean and in order, among other things. Are these things wrong in and of themselves? Absolutely not. I will gladly serve my husband in ways that make him happy. But I will do this out of love, not because it is my obligation or "role". In the same way, my husband serves me, because he loves me as his equal. 

However, to reduce God's design of women to a "helpmeet" to our husbands is limiting, and not what God is about. God created men for grandiose purposes, as he created women for grandiose purposes. That purpose is beautifully displayed in the original meaning of ezer, that powerful word, mistranslated through the centuries. 

I'm curious to know what you think! What does being a "helper" or "helpmeet" mean to you in your marriage? What's your understanding of scripture in this controversial area? How do you think we can serve our husbands while also broadening the narrow definition of "ezer"?

I'm linking up with: Wedded Wednesday, Into the Word Wednesday, Winsome Wednesday, and Women in the Word Wednesday, Matrimonial Monday.

More Than the Sum Of Your Body Parts

I know now that I am not alone in this, but when I was a teen, I felt like the most imperfect person in a world that cherished perfection. Outer perfection that is. The perfect body, the perfect smile, the perfect hair, the perfect dress, the perfect shoes, the perfect bikini, the perfect allure that made men look twice. I thought that was really important. When I looked in the mirror, I knew I didn't meet the impossible standard of beauty the world had set for me to reach. I felt less than beautiful and therefore, less than valuable. 

[source]

I cried myself to sleep many nights wishing I'd wake up a different person. I spent time looking at my body in the mirror and wondering if God could've spent a little more time on me, maybe I'd look better, maybe those insecurities that only I knew about would go away? My self-esteem and self-worth was in the rocks. So I'd look at other women, some of my friends even, and envy them. I'd tear them apart, find their flaws, and compare them to mine, hoping that somehow I'd make it out on top. This all happened in my head of course. It was poison. More so, we'd silently compete for the attention boys. "Who could get the most boys to like them?" "Why does he like her and not me?" "What's wrong with me?" All the while, putting on a "modest" front when a boy did actually like me. I'd pretend I wasn't interested in the attention, the vulgar references to how "big" that is or how "hot" you look, but internally I'd relish it because it fed my hunger for self-worth. But it simultaneously reinforced what society had been telling me all along, "Only what I look like matters." When someone would say, "You are beautiful just the way you are," I'd smile and say thanks all while replaying all those times standing in front of the mirror angry at God for what I was endowed with. "You are beautiful" doesn't cut it for a girl or a woman struggling with major insecurities. Have you been there?

[source]

I've found healing from that now; it's been a gradual process learning to love myself as an image bearer of God. From a young age, we learn to compare ourselves to others, but what our hearts are really crying out is, "Am I enough?" We try all sorts of things to get that "turning heads" moment, thinking it won't cost us much, just our bodies. "It's just an act, a role, it's not really us," writes Jonalyn Fincher in Ruby Slippers. "We believe we can keep our souls intact...if we only feed ourselves materialism, our souls are left with nothing to grow into...we leave our insides shrunken, flabby, and filthy. We're like headstones at a grave, cleanly chiseled with order and strength, but beneath and within, we are full of dead bones, rotting from the inside out." We focus on the building of our bodies, the perfecting of our earthly bodies through body modification, costly & dangerous surgeries, and expensive splurges on luxurious designer clothes, and neglect our souls. We are like the wasp that George Orwell described:

"I thought of a rather cruel trick I once played on a wasp. He was sucking jam on my plate, and I cut him in half. He paid no attention, merely went on with his meal, while a tiny stream of jam trickled out of his severed esophagus. Only when he tried to fly away did he grasp the dreadful thing that had happened to him. It is the same with modern woman. The thing that has been cut away is her soul."

This chapter in Ruby Slippers resonated with me strongly because I've been there. I know what it feels like to think you're not enough. But here is the truth you need to receive today: You are more than a body. You are more than the sum of your body parts. You are more than what you look like. You are a living soul. God breathed life into you for a greater purpose than to "look a certain way" or "dress a certain way." His plans for your life as a woman, an image-bearer of GOD are beyond what you can ever imagine.

I want to end with the quote that sealed the deal for me and called me to "soul care" rather than an obsession with "body care." 

"Perhaps we need to live as if Christ cared for more than our bodies. What if we lived as if Christ wanted to redeem our souls? What if we paid attention to the insides even half as much as we accessorize our outsides? What if we turned our attention away from the mirrors, away from others' comments, away from over-regard or disregard of our bodies, and began attending to our souls?"

With All My Love,

 

Linking up with: Upward Not Inward, Deep Roots at Home, My Daily Walk In His Grace, Covered in Grace, Truth Tuesdays, and Newlywed Moments.

Seeking Jesus Monday: I am none of these.

I am growing. I am changing. Phillippians 1:6 tells me to be confident "that he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I am learning so much about myself as a woman and watching God renew my heart and mind. I'm reading a book called Ruby Slippers by Jonalyn Grace Fincher. It's teaching me so much about myself and God's sacred intent for me and my femininity. 

As women, we often pile on layers of labels that we allow define who we are. We are afraid to stray away from those prescribed "roles" lest we fail at being a wife, a homemaker, a mom, an athlete, a scholar, you name it, a woman. We define our worth based on our performance in these prescribed roles and sometimes feel unfulfilled, unsatisfied, or stunted in these roles like a prisoner in a cell. Our expectations of ourselves or other's expectations of what we "should be" are the chains that keep us immobilized. In a daily surrender to Jesus, we must discipline our souls to strip away these layers one by one; they have "tremendous sticking power." Our identity is found in Christ alone. He is the One who created us in His image and His plans for you and I are far greater than a prescribed "role" or "label."  

This prayer is meant to be uttered daily. It's meant to equip us to strip off those layers that bind us and find our identity in Christ alone. I encourage you to write your own prayer of identity and find healing in Christ. 

My Prayer of Identity

I am not a wife, a daughter, a niece, a sister, a friend... (your relationships)

I am not a nurse... (your training)

I am not a student... (your job)

I am not organized, patient, creative, optimistic, empathetic, a good listener... (your gifts)

I am not selfish, demanding, stubborn, prideful, lost... (your failures)

I am none of these. 

I am a naked soul clothed in the righteousness of Christ. 

jeans: ross, top & cardigan: the limited, boots: kenneth cole via marshalls 

Jamie & I having some Saturday afternoon giggles. Love this girl!

Linking up with #YoloMondays

The Secret of Allure

The way we dress sends a message to those around us, whether we mean to or not. A girl who flaunts her body with short, tight outfits sends the message that she wants guys to notice her. A girl who dresses like a slob sends the message that she does not care enough about those around her to give any thought to her appearance. A girl who hides behind shapeless, dowdy clothes sends the message that she is ashamed of her femininity. And a girl who dresses with modest, feminine, dignified style sends the message that she vales those around her and wants to reflect the beauty of Christ in her appearance. 

Christa Taylor, a young Christian clothing designer, expressed it this way:

"When a young woman chooses to dress in a way that thoughtlessly exposes her body or, worse, seeks to use her body to allure men, she is reducing herself to mere eye candy. All that is truly good and beautiful and unique about a young woman is lost, and she is only seen as an object for sex. Womanhood today is so crude, largely because of the attack on female modesty. Many mainstream fashion trends are very unflattering. Low-rise jeans, for instance, can create "muffin tops" and, when seated, reveal way too much of your derriere to the unfortunate individual behind you. This does not enhance a woman's beauty or attractiveness. In contrast, a woman who is dressed with dignity and grace, in feminine apparel that flatters, draws attention to her face, her personality, and charm.  

Modesty is the ancient secret of allure. An oxymoron? I think not. When women choose to dress with modesty and dignity, it just might flip everything around...We were created in such a way that when we humans act without restraint and without any rules, we don't have as much fun! Modesty and dignity helps women protect their romantic hopes, challenges men to be courteous and honorable, and will turn the whole sexual revolution on its head. That is something to look forward to." 

The Lost Art of True Beauty by Leslie Ludy, Page 73-74 

blouse, skirt, cardigan, sunglasses: the limited, wedges: hand-me-down, purse: mom's closet

Blessings,

There's no comparison

Only the Gospel can set you free from living in a constant state of comparison; grace spells the end of score-keeping. 

-Tullian Tchividjian 

I found this on a twin blog a lily among thorns, and just loved it. We compare ourselves to others way too often. Let the Gospel of Jesus set you free. He loves you just as much as anyone else, He gave His life for you, stop taking score.

Love,